Crash and Burn
by Kellan L
Summary: Trapped inside his mind with his dreams and memories, Spike's only hope is Buffy, but can she see past what he was and be able to bring him back out, or is his demon past too much for her?
1. 1

"Very well," the demon growled. "We will return...your soul."  
  
The demon reached out his hand and touched Spike's chest. Spike arched his back, yelling out in pain and frustration. He felt as though his body was being torn apart, but it was nothing compared to the agonising tortures burning through his mind. Visions of blood and screams of pain all mixed in with the blackness that was slowly creeping up on him. He longed to give in to it, but the demon's voice cut through his thoughts, keeping him from his escape.  
  
"Soon enough you'll sleep in the darkness of guilt," it said. "Lost in your dreams and memories. The only way out will be to fight the demons inside you. Only then will you truly be free."  
  
Spike heard the words but they had no meaning to him. Pain...so much pain. He had to stop it. He clasped his hands on either side of his head and screamed. The demon watched, indifferent to the suffering before him. He'd seen it all before. The returning of one's soul was not a pleasant experience. Not many survived the experience. They remained trapped in their minds. Forever lost in the midst of their dreams and memories, never knowing what was real and what was imagined. They never woke up. He wondered if the vampire in front of him would.   
  
Slowly he raised his hand and waved it in front of the vampire's face as he chanted softly. There was a flash of pale blue light, and Spike was gone.  
  
~*~  
  
His own : ''It won't let me be a monster...''  
  
Buffy : ''Ask me again why I can never love you...''  
  
His own : ''And I can't be a man...''  
  
Cecily : ''You're nothing to me William...''  
  
His own : ''What's a slayer...slayer...slayer...?''  
  
Buffy : ''It would never be you Spike...''  
  
Voices. All around him. They mocked and taunted him. He couldn't block them out.  
  
Drusilla : ''Do you want it...want it...want it...?''  
  
His own : ''Here now, have a taste...''  
  
Drusilla : ''My little Spike just killed himself a slayer...''  
  
His own : ''You always hurt the ones you love...''  
  
"Make 'em stop," Spike moaned. "Make 'em stop."  
  
Thomas : ''Have you heard, they call him William the Bloody...the Bloody...the Bloody..."  
  
His own : ''Its Spike now...Spike now...Spike now...''  
  
He opened his eyes. Darkness surrounded him and in the darkness, the voices called to him. He tried to move, but his legs wouldn't obey. He was frozen to the spot, forced to listen to his tormentors.  
  
Drusilla : ''Angel always knows what speaks to a girl's heart...''  
  
Harmony : ''How's my little blondie bear...?''  
  
Buffy : "I'm sorry...William...''  
  
~*~  
  
Clem found him when he returned to the crypt. At first he didn't understand what was happening. Spike had left. He said he'd be gone for a long time. Why had he returned so soon? He tried waking him up, but Spike couldn't be roused. Something was wrong with him and Clem couldn't do this alone. He needed help...from Buffy. But would she help Spike?  
  
~*~  
  
"But Giles, he will be ok?"  
  
"Yes Wills," Xander softly said for what seemed the hundredth time. "He'll be just fine."  
  
Willow lay her head back down on her arms. As her eyes closed, she thought over everything that had happened. How could Giles, Buffy, anyone forgive her for what she had done? She had lost it in the worst way possible. She had tried to kill them all. She had tried to kill everyone. She was worse than the Master. Worse than the mayor. She was worse than everything they had spent the last few years fighting against. And then even if they could forgive her, how would she ever forgive herself? She felt the hot tears forming behind her eyes. Not now, she prayed. She had done nothing but cry for the past few hours. Tara was dead. She was gone and nothing and no-one could bring her back. She was alone...again.   
  
Xander's heart broke as he watched the slender redhead fighting back her pain. He had stopped her from ending everyone's pain, but now she was trapped in her own. Losing Tara was killing her and he could do nothing but watch her. What could he possibly say to take the pain away? He had never lost anyone he loved to the depths Willow had loved Tara. Except maybe Anya, but he still had a slim shred of hope that she would forgive him and love him again. True, she was a vengeance demon again, but what relationship didn't have a few problems? Willow had dated a werewolf before finding out she was really a lesbian who was in love with another witch. And then there was Buffy. She seemed to have a major thing for bloodsucking monsters, namely Angel and then Spike.   
  
He still didn't get it. Spike? He was evil and English and...evil. So he had been "fixed" by the Initiative and now could no longer hurt humans, but if the day ever came that he could, Xander didn't think of one minute any of them would be safe. After all, Angel went after them all when he lost his soul and Miss Calendar died all because he wanted to get to Buffy and hurt her. Would it be any different with Spike if he ever woke up one night and found out that everyone was on the menu again? Somehow Xander doubted it. He had watched the way Spike had manipulated his way into their circle and then wormed his way into Buffy's bed. He had also seen what Spike had done to Buffy when she rejected him. He was still a monster regardless of that chip. Maybe the others were willing to forget that he had been a monster and killer for over a century, but he hadn't and never would.   
  
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Buffy walk up behind him.   
  
"Hey," she said softly.  
  
"Jeeze Buff, I'm ordering a bell for your neck too," Xander said.  
  
"Scared ya huh?" she laughed.  
  
"No comment," was his reply as he settled himself back on his chair.  
  
She glanced over to where Willow sat curled up in a corner of the Magic Box. It was hard to find anywhere safe in the destruction, but she had found a spot.   
  
"How is she?" Buffy asked.  
  
"About how you would expect. She just lost the one she loves, killed a man, almost killed Giles, tried to kill us and everyone, destroy the planet and has to deal with the fact that she can never pull off having black hair. She's peachy."  
  
Buffy shot Xander a filthy look as she cleared off a chair and sat down beside him.   
  
"Stupid question I guess," she sighed. "I just don't know what to do or say or...anything. How do we move on and help her?"  
  
Xander wrapped his arms around her. "I dunno Buff. She's strong though. We just have to give her time and be here for her when she needs us."  
  
"How did you get so smart?" she asked as she rested her head down on his shoulder.  
  
"I learnt from the best," he whispered.  
  
Buffy smiled. They had all had their ups and downs, more than most people, but they had always had each other to turn to. Xander was right. They would all be here for Willow too.  
  
"Has Anya been back?" she asked changing the subject.   
  
Xander shook his head. "I haven't seen her since..."  
  
"Yeah. She came through for us all. I just wanted to thank her for what she did for Giles. Maybe all vengeance demons aren't bad after all," she said with a little smile.  
  
"I can't believe she went back to that," Xander said. "I know I hurt her, but I love her and maybe, just maybe, we still had a shot."  
  
"You still do. She loves you or she wouldn't have stayed around and helped out. She couldn't leave Sunnydale. She couldn't leave you."  
  
"I wish I could believe you Buffy, but I have to accept its over. Its really over."  
  
"I'm sorry," Buffy said softly.   
  
They could do nothing but wait and hold each other. Wait for something, anything to happen that would make everything ok again. Make it all go back to what they had had before Tara's death, before Anya went back to her old vengeance ways, before Willow joined her on that kick and before...this. But nothing could.   
  
A loud crash from behind them broke the uneasy silence and startled everyone.   
  
"Clem? What are you doing here, and in daylight?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Wow, it must have been some sale," the demon said as he looked around at the destruction of the store. "Or just redecorating? You know, my cousin was a decorator. She could do amazing things with shrunken heads, cobwebs and..."  
  
"That's all very nice and if we need a nice demonic makeover for the shop, we'll be sure to give her a call," quipped Xander.  
  
Buffy shot him another one of her looks as she rose from her chair and wandered over to Clem. "What are you doing here?" she asked again.   
  
Demons, especially ones who looked like Clem just didn't wander around during daylight hours. Something had to be very wrong to bring him out at this time of day. Very wrong.  
  
"Oh right," he said. "Its Spike."  
  
"He's back?" Buffy asked quietly.  
  
"He left?"   
  
Buffy looked back at Xander. She hadn't told him about Spike's disappearance from Sunnydale. She knew how he felt about the blonde vampire and wasn't needing yet another one of his smart comments. She wasn't sure how she felt about him either. She hadn't loved him, but in those few weeks, she had grown almost...fond of him. He'd been there for her when she'd needed someone to talk to. He had been the only person who understood how she'd been feeling, how hard everything was for her being back and he'd never wanted anything in return. Except her love and she'd been unable to give it to him.   
  
"I'll just shut up now then," Xander said.  
  
Buffy turned back to Clem. "What about Spike?"  
  
"Something's wrong," the demon continued. "He's back and I can't wake him."  
  
"Wake him? What do you mean you can't wake him?" she asked.   
  
Clem heard the worry in her voice. Maybe he had done the right thing in coming here after all. Buffy did care.  
  
"He has...wounds, but they aren't like anything I have seen before and I tried to wake him up. I shook him, shouted, jumped up and down on him but he wouldn't wake up. I thought, well, you know stuff, I thought you could help..."  
  
"Help Spike?" Xander blurted out. "Are you kidding? He's a monster."  
  
"Xander, please," Buffy snapped.   
  
"No Buffy. How can you forget everything he has done? What he did to you."  
  
"We have to help him," she said softly. "Otherwise, we'll be no better than he is."  
  
"Well count me out. You may be blind to what he is and what he's done, but I remember everything. I can't be there when this goes wrong and he finally hurts you. I just can't do it."  
  
"Then I will be there," came a small voice from behind them.  
  
They all turned and saw Willow.   
  
"I thought you were sleeping," Xander said.  
  
"I was," she replied. "You forgive me right?"  
  
"Of course I do, but you're Willow. You aren't some evil, bloodsucking vampire who wants nothing more than to kill us all starting with Buffy if he had the chance."  
  
"No," she smiled softly. "I just killed Warren and tried to kill everyone on the planet."  
  
"That's different," Xander started to say, but Willow cut him off.  
  
"How is it different?" she asked.  
  
"Tara," he replied.  
  
"Yes, Tara. I was in pain and so devastated by her loss, but I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. Spike is a demon. He has something inside him that makes him do all those things. He wasn't always... He needs help."  
  
Buffy walked over and wrapped her arms around her friend.   
  
"We'll help him," she said.   
  
Xander watched silently as they followed Clem out of the Magic Box.   
  
"Dammit," he yelled as he slammed his fist down on the table.  
  
~*~  
  
He was trapped with them. Trapped with the voices that wouldn't stop. Voices from his past. He had to be dreaming. But why couldn't he wake up? Why wasn't someone waking him up? They were driving him mad. He could hear Drusilla's soft voice taunting him in that crazy way of hers.   
  
Drusilla : "Why...why won't you push her away?"  
  
His own : "I made a promise to a lady."  
  
Drusilla : "This one has power...power...power."  
  
He had loved her once. Once, but no longer. All his thoughts were consumed with the slayer. With Buffy. He loved her.  
  
His own : "I'm drowning in you Summers..."  
  
Buffy : "I'm disgusted with myself..."  
  
His own : "The girl needs some monster in her man..."  
  
~*~  
  
"How long has he been like this?" Buffy asked Clem.  
  
"I found him like this when I woke up," he replied. "I don't know."  
  
Buffy looked at the wounds on Spike's chest. Burns, bites and a blue handprint over his heart.  
  
She pulled his shirt closed and drew Willow aside.  
  
"Have you ever seen or come across anything like this in your research with Giles?" she asked.  
  
Willow shook her head. "No never. Is he...dead?"  
  
Buffy let out a small laugh. "He's been dead for over a hundred years Wills."  
  
"Yeah I know that, but is it like when Faith tried to kill Angel? Is it a magical spell or something that only kills vampires?"  
  
Angel. She hadn't thought about him for months. Not since she had gone to see him. He'd almost died...again...all to keep Buffy distracted from what Faith and the Mayor were trying to do. But Spike hadn't been wounded like Angel. This, whatever it was, was something different. Something they hadn't seen before.  
  
"No, its not like Angel," Buffy said. "Maybe Giles would know."  
  
Willow felt a wave of guilt wash over her.   
  
"We should let him rest," she said.   
  
Buffy turned back to look at Spike.   
  
"We need more help from someone who knows about these things, and Giles is..."  
  
"Anya."  
  
"Giles is Anya?"  
  
Willow rolled her eyes. "No, Anya knows this stuff. She's been a demon for over a thousand years. If anyone knows what's happening to Spike, maybe its her."  
  
"She has a point," Clem said.   
  
"Thank you," smiled Willow. "At least someone agrees with me."  
  
"Its not that I disagree with you Will," she said as she walked back to Spike's bedside. "I just don't know where she is."  
  
"I could call her," Willow said quietly.  
  
"You can do that? Cool."  
  
Willow smiled at the demon. She liked him.   
  
"I can do that."  
  
"Then do it," Buffy whispered as she gently stroked her fingers over Spike's forehead.  
  
Willow was about to do just that when Buffy's shocked scream halted her in her steps. She ran over to the bed where Spike lay with Buffy sitting beside him.  
  
"Buff, what is it?" she asked.  
  
Buffy looked up at her friend with shock evident in her eyes.  
  
"He's...warm."  
  
~*~  
  
"You came back."  
  
Xander dropped the broom he'd been using to clear the floor of the Magic Box.  
  
"What is it with you people and sneaking up on me?" he asked.  
  
"I didn't think anyone would be here," Anya said looking around at her destroyed shop.   
  
"Where else would we be?" Xander asked.  
  
"At the hospital, with Giles or at Buffy's or anywhere but here," she said as she cautiously made her way through the rubble covering the floor.  
  
"I couldn't leave this place like this," he said. "I couldn't let you come back to...this."  
  
Anya shrugged. "I've seen worse."  
  
But Xander could see the pain in her eyes. This had been somewhere where she'd felt safe and useful. Even if she wouldn't admit it to him, Anya was hurting from the destruction of the Magic Box.  
  
"You know," he said, picking up the broom again, "its not really that bad. The place could use a makeover. New shelves, a better counter and a good tidy up and it'll be better than ever."  
  
A small smile played on Anya lips. "You think so?"  
  
Xander nodded. "Sure. I never liked how Giles had the books over there and the amulets there and the counter, talk about shoddy workmanship."  
  
"Do you think...you could fix it?" Anya asked in a small voice.   
  
"Hey you are talking to Xander Harris, builder extraordinaire."  
  
"I can't pay you much," the old Anya spirit was sneaking back in now. "I don't think the insurance covers witches going nuts after losing their girlfriends and trying to destroy the world starting here."  
  
Xander chuckled. "It doesn't matter. I owe you this much."  
  
"Yes you do, and more," Anya grinned.  
  
"There's the Anya I know and love," he said.  
  
Anya pretended she hadn't heard him. It still hurt how he'd abandoned her, but she still loved him.  
  
~*~  
  
"But he's dead," Willow exclaimed. "How can he be warm?"  
  
Buffy reached out her hand and touched his forehead again. He was warm.  
  
"I dunno Will, but he is. Please, call Anya. Something is very wrong here and we need to know what is going on."  
  
Willow nodded and knelt down on the ground. She drew in the dirt and then began softly chanting.   
  
"If we're having company, I had better check if there are any doritos left," Clem said walking away from the girls and over to where Spike had his 'kitchen'.   
  
Buffy smiled. Poor Clem, she thought to herself. He was just as confused as they were, but he always meant well. There was nothing they could do but wait and hope that Willow's chant would work and that Anya knew what was wrong with Spike.   
  
~*~  
  
"Maybe have a mural on the wall," Anya said looking around the shop imagining all the possibilities open to her now. "With lots of unicorns and fairies and..."  
  
"Bunnies?" Xander just couldn't resist.  
  
The small scream from Anya followed by the book hitting his head shut him up. It was almost like how it had been before.   
  
"Next time chuck a smaller book," he laughed as he stooped over to pick it up.   
  
"You deserved it," Anya said, poking out her tongue. "You know bunnies scare me."  
  
"And I still don't get why. Bunnies? What's that about?"  
  
"Long story."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere," he said looking around. "For a very long time."  
  
"First time for everything," Anya said under her breath.  
  
"Did you say something?"  
  
Anya shook her head. This was the first time since the incident with Spike that they had been able to look at each other and have a civilised conversation. She had missed it, and him. Silently she started picking up the books scattered all over the floor.   
  
Then she heard it. The soft call summoning her. She hated to leave Xander now that things were starting to improve between them, but she had returned to her old job and vengeance never slept.   
  
"I have to go."  
  
Xander stopped what he'd been doing. "Go? Where?"  
  
She couldn't meet his eyes. "Work."  
  
"But you're already...oh."   
  
The penny dropped.   
  
"I guess we really are that bad huh?" he said trying to smile.  
  
"Not all of you," she replied. "You just make stupid choices."  
  
"Yeah. You'd better go. I'll try to clear up a bit more before heading home."  
  
"Thank you," she said softly as she disappeared.  
  
"Anytime baby," he whispered as he watched her go.  
  
~*~  
  
Buffy sat watching Willow chanting. This had to work. She hoped Anya would know something to help Spike. Even after what he'd tried to do to her, she still felt like it was all her fault. She'd known how he felt about her and she'd slept with him knowing that he thought it meant more than it did to her. It hadn't stopped her though. Some small part of her felt at peace with him. If this was what her life was going to be, who better than Spike to share it with. But after Riley had seen them together and finding out that Spike hadn't changed, she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't keep on using him that way. It was her insecurities that pushed her into his arms that last time. Her insecurities about never having anyone who loved her, wanted her and needed her. She'd seen how happy Riley was with his wife and it had hurt more than she wanted to admit to herself. At least she always had Spike to fall back on. But it wasn't fair to him, or to her.   
  
She almost laughed at that thought. She was worried about a vampire's feelings? True he'd been there for her when no-one else understood how she felt, he'd been the one she could turn to when everything seemed hard or hopeless, and he had looked out for Dawn. She owed him something. But she couldn't love him.   
  
"No more doritos," Clem said as he returned to the bedside.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Its ok Clem. I don't think Anya will mind."  
  
"Is Spike going to be ok?" he asked.  
  
"I wish I knew," Buffy replied. "I wish I knew what was wrong with him. Did he say anything about where he was going or what he was going to do before he left?"  
  
Clem didn't know what to say. Should he tell her about how upset Spike had been? How he'd almost torn the crypt apart, ranting and raving about the slayer? Or should he just say nothing and play dumb? He was good at that. No-one ever took him seriously, except for Spike. He was the only friend Clem had. All the other demons thought he was a loose skinned idiot. So maybe he didn't always say the right thing at the right time, or even the smartest thing, but he tried. He didn't even have any terrible powers or the lust other demons had for destroying things. He was happier to lurk on the outside of the human world enjoying things like popcorn and tv. He belonged nowhere. Not in the human world or the demon one. He was like Spike. Stuck in a limbo world between the two, never able to belong in either. Maybe that's why they got on so well. It also helped that Clem was in awe of the blonde vampire and followed him like a puppy dog.   
  
"Clem? He did, didn't he?"  
  
"Maybe he did," he said looking down at the floor. "I should find a broom and clean up a bit. Spike wouldn't like all this mess everywhere."  
  
"Don't you dare move," Buffy ordered jumping up off the bed and rushing over to him. "What did he say when he left Clem?"  
  
"I dropped by with hot wings to watch the Knightrider marathon. I just love that car. It knows everything. Do you think that..."  
  
"Clem."  
  
"Anyway, he was upset about something. I have never seen him this way. I thought you'd broken up with him again because he kept saying 'What have I done? What has she done to me?' Then he said that you had never actually been together. That you'd never lower yourself to be with someone like him. You know what I think? Its the coming back from the dead thing. My cousin was raised by a kooky shaman and..."  
  
"Please Clem, what did he say?"  
  
"He blames the chip in his head. Its making him into something he's not. He doesn't know why he feels this way about you. I told him that love is just a funny thing," he paused when he saw Buffy's reaction to that. She blushed and lowered her eyes. "He wondered if that's what it was too. But he blames the chip. Its kept him from being what he is and made him something else. What did he say? It won't let him be a monster, and he can't be a man. Yes, that's what he said."  
  
"What else did he say?" Buffy asked in a small voice.  
  
"I told him thing's change, and he said they do, if you make them. Then he packed up, told me to look after his place and left."  
  
"That's all he said? He didn't say where he was going or how thing's change?"  
  
Clem shook his head. "I wish he had, but when Spike gets in those moods, you just don't ask."  
  
She smiled. "Thanks Clem."  
  
"You don't think he took the chip out and its fried his brain do you?"  
  
Buffy looked back at the comatose Spike. "I hope not."  
  
She moved back to the bed and held Spike's hand as she waited for Anya to arrive.   
  
Willow kept chanting. Slowly, it was got louder and faster until...  
  
"You have summoned me for vengeance and your call is answered...Willow?"  
  
Willow opened her eyes and smiled. "It worked. Buffy," she called, "Anya's here."  
  
"Why are you wanting vengeance and why in this place? What has Spike done now?"  
  
"We were hoping you could tell us," Buffy said.  
  
Anya turned around and saw Buffy sitting on a bed beside Spike. "Are you two sleeping together again? Is this some vengeance of your own Buffy? It was one time. It meant nothing. I don't want Spike, he's all yours."  
  
Buffy's mouth fell open. "He wishes," she exclaimed. "Clem found him like this and we were hoping that with your knowledge of the demon world you could tell us what is wrong with him. He's warm."  
  
Anya walked over to the bed. She touched his shoulder. He was warm.   
  
"Does he have any wounds on him?" she asked.  
  
Buffy nodded as she opened his shirt.   
  
"Oh no," Anya said softly.  
  
"Anya, what does it mean?" Buffy asked.  
  
Anya slowly traced her fingers over the handprint. She could feel the power coming from it. She had seen this only once before and the demon hadn't survived from it. Would Spike be able to?  
  
"You've seen it before haven't you," Buffy said softly.  
  
Anya nodded. "Yes. Once, many centuries ago."  
  
"Will Spike be ok?"  
  
Anya tore her eyes from the handprint and looked into Buffy's worried filled ones. "I don't know."  
  
Buffy took her hand and led her away from the others.   
  
"Tell me the truth Anya. What has happened to Spike? What does the handprint mean?"  
  
"There's a demon only spoken of in legends who left the demon realm long before known time. He was so powerful that the other demons feared him. He had the power to undo or reverse what has been done, but he always had a price. His mark was a blue handprint. Spike must have gone to see him and now he is paying Kalcor's price."  
  
"Kalcor?" Buffy asked.  
  
"That's what he calls himself. His true name is lost in the mists of time."  
  
"What's his price Anya?"  
  
Anya looked back at Spike. "He's had to face trials to prove his worthiness to Kalcor. That's where he got the burns and other wounds. But obviously he passed the trials. Kalcor's price is very steep. Not many ever can pay it and they are lost forever in their own minds."  
  
"But what is his price Anya?"  
  
"Spike has to fight the demons inside himself. He will remain trapped inside his dreams and memories until he does."  
  
"Oh is that all?"   
  
"Its harder than it sounds Buffy. Spike won't be able to tell what's real from what's not and it will probably drive him insane."  
  
"But if he has to fight his own demons, wouldn't that be easy?"  
  
"It sounds easy Buffy, but its not. The human side of him has to face everything he has done and be able to accept it. Not many can."  
  
"Human side? Spike has a human side?"  
  
Anya shot Buffy a serious look that shut her up. "We all have a human side, that is, the demons who were human once. It never leaves us."  
  
"I never realised..." Buffy said.  
  
"The demon does take over, but the human side is always lurking in the background unable to leave and unable to do anything. Its trapped until the demon dies."  
  
"Then what happens?"  
  
"It dies too."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You know, demons weren't always bad people, just unhappy mostly," Anya said sadly.   
  
"I never thought about it before," Buffy said. "I just assumed the person died and went wherever they go after death and the demon moved on into the body left behind."  
  
"I wish it was that easy," Anya sighed.  
  
"So anyway," Buffy said trying to change the subject, "Spike is trapped in his mind with his human side trying to battle it to come out again?"  
  
"Something like that," Anya replied.  
  
"And then what?"  
  
"Then he will be granted the one thing he asked Kalcor for. Do you know what it was?"  
  
"Clem said he left angry, talking about changing what he was. I think he's asked Kalcor to remove his chip. To make him a vampire like he was again."  
  
"Then maybe its better to leave him like this. Do you really think if he won and came out of it, you could kill him after everything you've been through?" Willow asked.  
  
"I didn't think you were listening," Buffy said, not wanting to face what she had asked.  
  
"Yeah I heard. But if he did ask for his chip's removal and if he somehow does win and comes out of this state, do you honestly think he wouldn't kill you as soon as he saw you?"  
  
"She has a point Buffy," Anya said.  
  
"But what if he didn't ask for that. What if he asked for something different?" Buffy was clutching at straws and she knew it.   
  
"We're talking about Spike," Willow replied. "All he has ever wanted is for the chip to be gone and to be a vampire again."  
  
"There is a way to find out," Anya interrupted.   
  
"How?"  
  
"I have heard about it but never met anyone who has survived it before."  
  
"Anya...how?"  
  
"You have to go inside his dreamworld and help him through it."  
  
"Help him?"   
  
"Inside his dreamworld?"  
  
"It can be done, but I wouldn't recommend it."  
  
"Anya, how do we do it?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Whoa," Willow jumped in. "Buffy, we can't do this. What if his chip has gone or we get trapped in his mind or we go insane too, which I'm kinda thinking you already have..."  
  
"Then I'll go alone," she said, her voice soft, but determined.  
  
"You can't go alone..." Anya started to say, but Buffy cut her off.  
  
"I can't leave him like this. I owe him more than to let him linger lost in his own mind forever. He helped me when I returned and in return, I used him. I have to do something."  
  
"As I was saying," Anya continued, "you can't go alone. You have to go in with a guide."  
  
"Ok, a guide," Buffy said. "Where do I find this guide and how soon can we go?"  
  
"Buffy, think about what you're saying," Willow begged. "You are thinking about going into Spike's mind to bring him out when in all likelihood, he's gonna come out as the vampire he once was and will probably repay you by killing you."  
  
Buffy knew that Willow was right, but she had to do something.  
  
"At least talk to Giles first before you do anything," Willow continued. "Maybe he can talk you out of it."  
  
"Its going to take a while to summon the right guide anyway," Anya said.   
  
Buffy walked back to Spike's bedside where Clem sat.   
  
"My mind is made up," she said. "I will speak to Giles, but I'm doing it. Start summoning Anya."  
  
"Summoning? If you are summoning someone to raise him, whatever you do, don't use Logbek. He made a mess when he tried to raise my cousin, or was it my uncle? I forget now, but he is one kooky shaman," Clem said.  
  
Buffy smiled at the demon. He tried, but never quite knew the score. She gently stroked Spike's cheek.  
  
"Hold on," she said softly. "Please just try to hold on. I'll be there soon to help you and together, we'll get you out of there." 


	2. 2

"Kalcor exists?" Giles asked.  
  
Buffy nodded. "According to Anya, he does, but he is pretty hard to find. Somehow Spike did find him and now, he is trapped inside his own mind unable to get out until he fights his demons."  
  
"I have to agree with Willow on this," the watcher said as he raised himself up on the bed. "Maybe its a good thing."  
  
"How can you say that?" Buffy knew there was no love lost between the watcher and the blonde vampire, but still, he couldn't let this happen without helping. Could he?   
  
"Buffy," Giles said as he took off his glasses and carefully wiped the lenses, "this is Spike we're talking about. You are wanting to help bring him back. Maybe he has had his chip taken away by this demon and maybe not. Can we really take the risk that he has had it removed? Do you want to be responsible for unleashing him back into the world as the demon he once was? And if he is that demon again, could you kill him?"  
  
"I killed Angel," she said in a small voice.  
  
"Yes you did, but remember what it did to you."  
  
"That was different," Buffy protested. "I loved Angel and it almost destroyed me when I sent him to hell. We're talking about Spike. I don't love him."  
  
"But you do have history with him whether you want to acknowledge it or not," Giles paused. "Buffy, you slept with him. Whatever reasons you had is your own business. I'm just saying that maybe you do care for Spike more than you want to admit or you wouldn't be feeling this way."  
  
Buffy knew he was right. She did feel something for the vampire. What it was, she hadn't been able to label yet, and maybe she never would, but it was nothing like the feelings she'd had for Angel. Angel had had a soul, and had been her first love. Spike was just a vampire with a piece of machinery in his head that kept him under control. Without it, he'd be just another demon. Without it, he wouldn't love her anymore and he would kill her the first chance he got.   
  
"Its all my fault," she whispered.  
  
"No its not your fault. Whatever Spike's done, he did it because he wanted it, not because of you."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "If I hadn't rejected him... If I had been able to love him..."  
  
"He would have still done it," Giles said. "Spike is a demon. You know how much he hated being, for lack of a better word, neutered by that chip. He would have found a way to get rid of it one way or another."  
  
"But I forced him to do it," she said looking up at her watcher with tearfilled eyes. "All he wanted was for me to love him."  
  
Giles smiled kindly at the torn girl. "All he wanted was to be a demon again. You must stop blaming yourself Buffy."  
  
"I will," she said wiping her eyes. "When I get him out of it."  
  
~*~  
  
"You're joking?" Xander exclaimed. "We're finally rid of Spike and she wants to help him come back?"  
  
"Its not that easy Xander," Willow said. "She feels like she is to blame and she owes it to him to help him out of his coma."  
  
"Well I for one think we should be celebrating," Xander smiled. "Ding dong, the blonde vamp's gone..."  
  
"Xander! We have to figure out how to help Buffy, not joke about things."  
  
"Sorry Will. Just feel like partying."  
  
Willow took a deep breath. "I know you have your 'issues' with him. The whole 'him sleeping with Anya' probably top of the list, but he did do a lot of good and did help us all through some pretty hard times. Maybe we do owe him something."  
  
"We owe him nothing but a stake through the heart," Xander snapped. "He is a murdering monster, or have you forgotten what he was?"  
  
"I haven't forgotten. I just think everyone deserves a second chance. You're giving me one aren't you? And Anya...vengeance demon. She killed and cursed men for over a thousand years and is doing it again, and you still love her."  
  
"That's different," Xander said softly.  
  
"It's always different when it's someone we love. Buffy is determined to do this and we have to either support her or butt out."  
  
There was a determination in the redhead's eyes that scared him. She was going to be there for Buffy whether he was or not. And if he wasn't, he could tell that he would have to keep right out of it...or else. He knew she was right. Anya was a demon again, and he did still love her. But this was Spike. It was different, wasn't it?  
  
"And anyway, Anya said it would time to summon the right guide for Buffy," Willow continued. "Just don't make her feel any worse than she already is right now."  
  
"Why did you have to drag Anya into it anyway?" he asked.  
  
"Because she is the only one who knows about Kalcor and this kind of stuff," came a voice from behind them.  
  
"Buffy," exclaimed Willow. "When did you get back? And how is Giles doing?"  
  
"He's getting better," she replied. "And he agrees with Xander. He thinks I should just leave Spike to do this on his own."  
  
"You should," Xander said.  
  
"Maybe, but I can't."  
  
~*~  
  
His own : "...the big bad is back...back...back..."  
  
Xander : "You're not even kinda naughty..."  
  
His own : "Every slayer has a death wish... Even you..."  
  
Angelus : "A good kill. It takes pure artistry..."  
  
His own : "A fella could get used to this..."  
  
They were haunting him. Not just the voices, but faces now. Nameless shadows of the hundreds he'd spent his demon life feeding from. Their screams, the begging, the prayers of the dying all rang through his head along with their agonised faces. The guilt was unbearable.  
  
Slayer : "Tell my mother I'm sorry...sorry...sorry..."  
  
His own : "Sorry luv, I don't speak Chinese..."  
  
~*~  
  
The Magic Box looked like a shop again. Xander kept his word to Anya and spent his evenings fixing it up. He had built new shelves, new cabinets and had found a strong counter made of marble. He had roped in some of his friends from work to help and because of the extra help, the work had been completed quickly. The results were amazing. All that was needed now was painting, decorating and new stock for the new shelves. Luckily Willow's attack hadn't touched the storeroom under the shop where extra stock was still sitting safely on the shelves.   
  
"I hope Anya likes this colour," Willow said as she slapped the deep blue paint on the walls.  
  
"I'm sure she'll love it," Buffy replied.  
  
"It is pretty," Willow agreed.  
  
"Alright. I have contacted the suppliers and new stock is on it's way," Xander said as he joined him.  
  
"That'll make Anya happier," Buffy smiled.  
  
"I hope so."  
  
"How could she not? You have this place looking great," Willow said, putting down her paintbrush.  
  
"Still needs a table though," Buffy said. "Somewhere for us to gather around, talk, research...like it was."  
  
"That's all taken care of," Xander said. "I found one and it'll be here tomorrow."  
  
"Wow, you really are Mr Action aren't you?" she laughed. "I think it's great how you've done all this for Anya."  
  
"I didn't do it just for her," he replied. "I did it for all of us. We all need this place. It keeps us together."  
  
Buffy looked around the shop. It was like a second home to them. They had had the library in high school, then Giles' home, and now, the Magic Box. It was somewhere where she felt safe. Xander was right. They did need this place.  
  
"Have you heard back from Anya yet?" Xander finally asked. He hadn't seen her since that night when things had been almost normal between them. Since the night when Buffy went to help Spike.   
  
"Not yet," she replied. "But she did say summoning the right guide would take time."  
  
"Its been two weeks Buffy," he said. "How much longer is it going to take?"  
  
"I wish I knew."  
  
"If you do see her, bring her back here," Xander said. "She should see this place now."  
  
"I will," Buffy replied.   
  
She left Willow and Xander painting.  
  
~*~  
  
"Any change?"  
  
"Argh," Clem yelled, jumping out of his chair.  
  
"Oops, sorry," Buffy giggled. "I didn't mean to scare you Clem."  
  
"You didn't," he huffed. "I was yawning. And no, no change."  
  
She walked slowly over to where Spike lay on his bed. It had been two weeks since Clem had found him like this. Two weeks with him trapped in his own mind with whatever hellish memories and dreams he had collected throughout his many years as a vampire. She sat beside him feeling helpless.   
  
"Where are you Anya?"  
  
~*~  
  
"It cannot be done," the demon hissed.  
  
"But you have done it before," argued Anya.   
  
"Says who?"  
  
"Its carved all over your temple's walls," snapped Anya. She'd been arguing with Icelus for days now and the demon was still not willing to serve as guide for Buffy.   
  
"Ah," Icelus paused. "So maybe I have guided others through the world of Kalcor's price, but no-one has ever returned. Why would your friend's be any different."  
  
"You are talking about other demons. It's the slayer who is wanting your services. She will return and bring Spike back with her."  
  
"The slayer," Icelus chuckled. "I would be greatly rewarded if I sent her into Kalcor's price and left her there."  
  
"But you won't," Anya said in her most threatening voice. "If anything did happen to Buffy, I would hunt you down and the worst vengeance I have ever taken would be nothing compared to what I would do to you."  
  
"You would take the slayer's side over one of your own kind?" Icelus asked.  
  
"In a heartbeat," she replied.  
  
"Very well," he said. "I will guide this slayer of yours through the price and if she is as strong as you say, I will bring her back."  
  
"I will be in touch," Anya said as she vanished.  
  
"I will guide her," Icelus said to himself after she'd left. "But she will never succeed. No-one ever has."  
  
~*~  
  
The painting was done...finally. A tired Xander and exhausted Willow looked around themselves.   
  
"Wow," was all Willow had the energy to say.   
  
"Wow indeed," Xander yawned. "It really looks good?"  
  
"It looks more than good. It looks..."  
  
"Incredible."  
  
They turned and saw an awe struck Anya standing behind them.   
  
"Anya!" Xander exclaimed. "There's new stock coming and I have ordered a table and...do you like it?"  
  
The demon had tears of joy her eyes as she walked around her shop, her fingers trailing over the marble countertop.   
  
"No-one has ever done anything like this before ever," she smiled through her tears.   
  
Xander grinned. He had made her smile. Maybe things had finally moved on between them.  
  
"So I was thinking, big reopening bash," Willow said.   
  
Anya and Xander laughed. Trust Willow.  
  
"Shall I order the nice mystical balloons?"  
  
"Order the balloons, streamers and everything Wills," chuckled Xander. "This will be the greatest reopening in history."  
  
He thought that would make Anya happy. Something to take her mind off the past few weeks, but when he looked at her, she was no longer smiling.  
  
"Anya? What's up?"  
  
"I found Buffy a guide," she said.  
  
"So soon?"  
  
"He's the only one who has been inside Kalcor's price and been able to come back." She paused when she saw the look on Xander's face. "Nothing will change her mind Xander. The best we can do is make sure she has the best guide available, and Icelus is."  
  
"Icelus..." Willow mumbled. "Why is that name so familiar?"  
  
Anya sat down. "Icelus is an Oneiroi. A dream demon. He lurks in dreams and draws his strength from them. He can twist them around and turn them into nightmares. But he is really quite harmless."  
  
"There's no such thing as a harmless demon," Xander said.  
  
"Spike is," Willow replied. "And that friend of his. The wrinkly one."  
  
"Clem?" Asked Anya. "He's not exactly harmless. He is a Stelan demon. Quite vicious, nasty things really."  
  
"But he seems so cute and sweet and cuddly," gasped Willow.  
  
"There's always an exception," Anya said.  
  
"And Clem certainly is exceptional," laughed Xander.  
  
The girls joined in the laughing as they put away the paint things. Soon they had a nice, clean shell of a shop. All it needed was the stock.   
  
"I'll start bringing up some things from the storeroom," Xander said.  
  
"I'll give you a hand in a second," Willow yelled to his retreating back.  
  
"Sure you will," he shouted back.  
  
She watched him disappear before she asked Anya her next question.   
  
"Are you sure Buffy will be ok?" she asked.  
  
Anya sighed. "Nothing is certain Willow. All I know is that with Icelus guiding her, she stands a better chance of going in there and coming out in one piece."  
  
"And there is no-one else who can guide her? What about you?"  
  
"I am a vengeance demon," Anya said. "She needs someone familiar with the dreamworld to guide her. Now if she wanted vengeance on someone, then I am your demon."  
  
"I guess you know what you're talking about," Willow smiled softly.  
  
"Sometimes," Anya smiled back.   
  
~*~  
  
Buffy left Spike with Clem and slowly walked back to the Magic Box. Until she heard back from Anya, sitting beside him for hours would achieve nothing but increase her sense of guilt. Nothing mattered anymore but helping Spike. God knew he'd helped her enough.   
  
She knew that maybe this wasn't the best way to help him, but there was no alternative. Giles and Xander had made their arguments and feelings known, but in the end, it was her choice and her decision. She would do it alone if she had to. The thought of wandering around in Spike's dreams and memories scared her more than she would admit to anyone, but she'd faced many things over her short life as a slayer and she'd always come out on top. She had to believe that this time she would too.   
  
She stopped as she reached the Magic Box door. Maybe she should just go home and get some sleep. Tonight, she didn't feel up to another night of Xander's accusing looks and Willow's equally guilty eyes. At least Willow's guilt was her own. She had been doing a lot better over the past weeks. She still had her rough patches when the loss of Tara hit her hard, but she channeled the grief into something productive. She knew how much the Magic Box had meant to Tara and helping Xander fix it up gave her something to do to take her mind of that loss, as well as the guilt she felt being the one who had caused the destruction of the shop.   
  
After taking a deep breath, Buffy opened the door and walked inside. The shop looked amazing. She stood unable to move as she looked around at all the work her friends had done. She had been there to watch Xander at work and had helped with the painting, but the finished product was breathtaking. Whilst she'd been with Spike, they had stacked the shelves with the stock they had had in storage and had put the books back on the new library shelves Xander had built especially for that purpose.  
  
"Guys," she gasped, "this is amazing."  
  
"Buffy," exclaimed Willow. "You're back."  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked.  
  
"I thought...Spike," Willow said quietly.  
  
"There's nothing I can do there," she replied. "I need to be doing something, anything."  
  
"I know that feeling well," Willow smiled.  
  
Buffy smiled back at her. "Any sign of Anya?"  
  
"Oh, yes," Willow exclaimed. "She's downstairs with Xander checking on the stock. Actually, they have been down there for quite a while now and there wasn't that much stock left. You don't think they are...?"  
  
Buffy's smile grew. "I hope so. It would be good for something to go well for someone for once."  
  
"Shall I call them up?" Willow asked.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Leave them."  
  
"Giles called," said Willow changing the subject. "He is being discharged at last. He was grumbling something about finally having a 'decent cup of tea' for once."  
  
Buffy laughed. "That sounds like Giles. It will be good to have him back here though."  
  
"Yeah it will," agreed Willow. "Do you think he'll stay here or hurry back to England?"  
  
"I don't know," admitted Buffy. "I'm hoping he'll stay."  
  
"Somehow I don't think chocolate chip cookies are going to make it up to Giles," Willow sighed.  
  
Buffy wrapped her arms around her friend.   
  
"He understands Willow," she whispered. "You were going through something none of us could imagine and so you flipped out a little..."  
  
"A little? Buffy, I tried to kill him. That's not something you can forgive so easily."  
  
"You all forgave me. Trust me. Everything is going to be ok."  
  
"Buffy, you're back."  
  
"I am indeed," Buffy said looking over her shoulder.   
  
Xander and Anya had finally emerged from the storeroom carrying yet more boxes of stock.   
  
"Well you sure took your time," Willow said as she wiped her eyes.  
  
"We couldn't find the...mandrake root," Xander replied blushing slightly.  
  
"Mandrake root huh?" smiled Buffy.  
  
"Yes," said Anya. "It had moved."  
  
"Come on Xander," said Willow grabbing the box off Anya. "Let's get to work."  
  
They moved to the other end of the shop, leaving Buffy and Anya alone to talk.  
  
"I found a guide," Anya said before Buffy could ask.  
  
"How soon can we go?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Icelus needs time to prepare," Anya said slowly. "He'll be here tomorrow."  
  
"Icelus. He is a demon?"  
  
Anya nodded. "Dream demon. He can move in and out of dreams and he has entered Kalcor's price once before."  
  
"Was he successful?" Buffy asked, dreading the answer.  
  
Anya bit her lip. "No he wasn't. The subject and the one who went in to bring her out were lost forever in the dreamworld of Kalcor's price." She paused when she saw Buffy's face pale. "But they were insignificant demons, not a slayer. You are strong enough to fight through this and succeed. Icelus is the best guide for this kind of journey. I wouldn't have chosen him if he wasn't."  
  
"I know Anya," Buffy said in a small voice. "I'm just..."  
  
"Scared."  
  
She nodded. "I was going for terrified."  
  
"You can still back out," Anya said gently. "You don't have to go through with it."  
  
"Yes I do. I can't leave Spike like that."  
  
Anya looked away. She watched Xander joking around with Willow as they stocked the Magic Box shelves. Would Xander do something like this for her? Her heart hoped he would.  
  
"You should get some rest," she said finally, looking back. "You are going to need it. And you have to tell Dawn."  
  
Dawn. She had completely forgotten about her sister. She still thought Spike was away. Buffy hadn't been able to tell her that he was back, in a coma-like state that he might never return from and that she was going into it to try to bring him out. After all they had been through, she had promised not to shield her anymore, but this was different. The way Dawn felt about Spike, she would never let Buffy go in without her. How could she explain this to her? Things had been going great between them lately. This was going to be a setback.   
  
"I have to work out what I am going to say to her first," Buffy said. "She's never going to forgive me for keeping this from her is she?"  
  
"She'll get over it. You were only looking out for her."  
  
"But I made a promise that I would stop doing that. I promised her that I would tell her everything. Stop keeping secrets. Stop being so overprotective."  
  
"So you slipped up. Everyone does."  
  
Buffy smiled at Anya. "I hope she is as understanding as you," she said.  
  
"She will be, and if not, ground her," Anya smiled back.  
  
Buffy managed a small laugh. Anya always had such a simple way of looking at things. Most of the time, it was annoying and irritating, but this time, she made sense.   
  
"You're right," she said. "Anyway, I had better get home. Giles is coming out of hospital tomorrow." She looked at her watch. "Ugh, today. I should make sure he has somewhere to come home to. We'll talk more later."  
  
Anya nodded.   
  
"Don't stay at it too long," Buffy called to Xander and Willow as she walked towards the door.  
  
"Almost finished," Xander called back.  
  
"Want me to come with you?" Willow asked.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I'll be fine," she said. "I need some alone time to clear out my head."  
  
"Ok. I'll see you soon," Willow said, turning back to the shelves.  
  
Buffy watched them for one more minute before she opened the door and walked out into what might turn out to be her last night in Sunnydale. 


	3. 3

Dawn was asleep when Buffy arrived home. She walked inside her bedroom and sat down beside her on the bed. She wished she could sleep as peacefully as her sister, free from money worries, vampire hunting and Spike. How could she tell Dawn about Spike?  
  
Gently, she stroked back a stray hair that had fallen across Dawn's forehead.   
  
"Buffy?" Dawn yawned.  
  
"Shhh," she whispered. "Go back to sleep Dawn."  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"It's late and you should be sleeping."  
  
Dawn sat up. "What's wrong? Is Spike back?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip. "We'll talk in the morning."  
  
"We'll talk now," Dawn said. "You promised to stop treating me like a child remember?"  
  
"It's just..." Buffy started to say, but Dawn interrupted her, finishing the sentence.  
  
"Complicated. It always is."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Yeah, it always is," she said softly. "Spike is back. He has been back for a few weeks."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" yelled Dawn, jumping up from her bed.  
  
"Something is wrong with him," Buffy continued. "He went to see some demon and now he is trapped inside his own mind."  
  
"Is he going to be okay?" Dawn asked.  
  
"I don't know," Buffy replied. "Clem found him and Anya has been looking for a guide to help me go inside Spike's mind and help him come back out of it."  
  
"You are going to go inside Spike's mind?" gasped Dawn. "Buffy, are you insane?"  
  
Buffy laughed. "Xander has been asking me that for a while now."  
  
"It's dangerous isn't it?"  
  
"There is a chance that neither of us will be able to return. We could stay trapped inside his mind forever."  
  
"You can't do it then," Dawn said. "I can't let you do it."  
  
"I'm the only chance he has," Buffy said softly. "If I don't, he'll be tortured inside his mind forever."  
  
"And you could join him there. Or is that what you want?"  
  
Buffy gasped. "How dare you say that to me," she yelled. "I owe it to him to help him. I can't leave him there, no matter what he has done. I thought at least you would understand."  
  
"I do understand, but I can't lose you again. You can't leave me Buffy. I couldn't take it again."  
  
Buffy stood up and wrapped her arms around her sister. "I'm not leaving you Dawnie. Anya has found the best guide there is and you know I can do this. You know I will never leave you."  
  
Dawn wiped her eyes. "I know," she said. "I'm scared."  
  
"You and me both. The inside of Spike's mind is a scary thought on its own without the thought of actually going inside it. I can imagine what he is going through."  
  
"How?"  
  
Buffy sat back down on the bed. Dawn joined her.  
  
"A few years ago, Christmas Eve in fact, Angel was kinda going through the same thing," she said. "He wasn't trapped inside his mind, but he was tortured by visions from his past. I was even drawn into one of them. It wasn't very nice."  
  
"Oh Buffy..."  
  
"Now imagine what Spike's memories and dreams must be like. I'm terrified that I will go in there, see what he has done and then just leave him like that. I'm afraid his past will make me forget what he has done for us and for me."  
  
Dawn didn't know what to say. Sure, Spike had done terrible things in past. So terrible she couldn't, and didn't want to try to imagine them. But the Spike she had always known was nothing like the monster he had been. Spike had always looked out for her, always been there for her when she'd needed someone to talk to or just hang out with. He was someone who didn't judge her or expect anything from her. She'd missed him and was probably the only one who really did want him back. Buffy had her sense of responsibility to him for everything he'd done for them, and she just bet she knew what Xander had to say about all this. He would be dead against this, maybe Anya too. After all, when she slept with Spike, she blew her chance for ever getting Xander back, if she still wanted him that was.   
  
Dawn wondered about Willow, what her response to Buffy's plan had been. There was no love lost between the vampire and the witch, but Willow was going through a forgiveness kick, largely due to her whole falling off the 'no witchcraft' wagon and trying to kill everyone by destroying the world. She had been out of control and knew how it must be for Spike to have a demon inside him that he can't control and therefore couldn't be held responsible for it's actions. But Willow hadn't had the luxury of a demon she could blame for her acts, just grief and vengeance. It was kinda the same thing, Dawn thought.   
  
"You'd better get back to sleep," Buffy said, breaking the silence.  
  
"In a minute," Dawn said as she crawled back into her bed. "After you promise me that you'll take me to see him before you do this thing you have to do."  
  
"In the morning, I promise," Buffy said as she stood back up and walked towards the door. "Sleep well."  
  
"You too."  
  
~*~  
  
His own : "Do you like it baby?"  
  
Buffy : "You're just...convenient..."  
  
His own : "I'm all you've got...got...got..."  
  
Drusilla : "This is so...disappointing..."  
  
Buffy : "..because your girlfriend's a big ho...ho...ho.."  
  
Drusilla : "It reeks of death...death...death..."  
  
His own : "Do you trust me...?"  
  
Buffy : "Never...never...never..."  
  
~*~  
  
"He's warm," Dawn said as she stroked Spike's forehead..  
  
"Yeah I know," Buffy replied.   
  
"Are you sure this is going to work? I mean, going inside Spike's mind...it's kinda creepy and probably dangerous."  
  
"I don't know, but there is no other option. How are you holding up Clem?"  
  
Clem had been staying at Spike's crypt watching over him ever since he had found him like this.   
  
"I'm doing okay," the demon replied. "I miss him though. Spike's a lot of fun to hang out with."  
  
"Spike? Fun? I haven't heard him described as fun before," Buffy said.  
  
"He looks out for me. No-one else ever pays attention to me except for Spike."  
  
Buffy touched his shoulder lightly. "We'll bring him back," she said. "Alright Dawny, school now and I'll meet you at the Magic Box afterwards. We'll talk more then." She moved back over to Spike. "Hold on Spike. Just a little bit longer."  
  
~*~  
  
Everyone was waiting for her at the Magic Box when she arrived. Even Giles. He'd arrived straight from the hospital and was looking around at all the alterations in amazement.  
  
"You did all this?" he asked Xander.  
  
"With a lot of help," he replied.   
  
"It looks good," Giles said with his typical Englishman's understatement.  
  
"It looks incredible," cut in Buffy.  
  
"Bout time you showed up Buff," Xander said.  
  
"I had to take Dawn to see Spike," she replied softly.  
  
"How did she take it?" Willow asked.  
  
"Better than I thought she would."  
  
"You are still going to do this?" Giles asked.  
  
Buffy nodded. "I'm going to do it. Anya found a guide and tonight..."  
  
"Yes, Icelus. I have heard of this demon. He hides in the dream world and nightmares. Be careful Buffy. Not everything is as it seems with Icelus. His world is not a reality and he will twist things to suit himself. Never drop your guard no matter what happens," Giles warned.  
  
"I think I have been around demons enough to know never to trust them," she replied.  
  
Xander bit his tongue. Comments about Spike wouldn't be appreciated right now, he thought. He still thought this was the worst idea he had ever heard. She should leave Spike where he was. He deserved to be tormented by his memories, forever trapped in his own mind. He'd been saying it for weeks now and no-one was listening.   
  
He'd said it about Angel too. He had never trusted the vampire and had been proven right when he'd lost his soul and went on his murderous rampage which resulted in Miss Calendar's death. Funny how everything he had done was all forgiven and forgotten just because he'd regained his soul and saved the day a few more times.   
  
Why was he always the only one who saw the demons for what they were? Buffy was blinded by love. She'd loved Angel to the point that anything he did was forgiven without question. Forgiven everything, except for his leaving her. He didn't even want to think about the whole 'Spike' thing. It was still too weird. What was it about neutered vampires that pushed Buffy's buttons? Willow's loyalty let her down. Angel had saved her life so many times that she'd been able to forgive him too. At least Giles had held onto his mistrust, but eventually, Xander had seen him changing his opinion of the dark vampire.   
  
He stood silently thinking. He disagreed with what Buffy was going to do, but he had decided that he couldn't let her go in alone. She would need backup and that's what he always was. Her backup, not groupie, comic relief or anything else Spike delighted in throwing at him. He had proven time and time again that he was more than that. He had spent years fighting beside Buffy and he wasn't about to stop now. If she was going in, so was he.  
  
"Then I guess until Anya gets here, we research more about this demon guide of yours. You'll need to know everything you can before you go inside Spike's mind because once you're in, there's no coming back until you have defeated what you have to defeat to bring him and yourself back out."  
  
Buffy nodded and walked towards the back of the shop where Xander had placed the new library. She agreed with Giles. There was no way she could trust this guide Anya had lined up for her. He had guided others before and they had failed. She would need all the help she could get.  
  
Willow had been silent throughout the exchange. Her thoughts were not unlike Xander's. She had been thinking long and hard and come to the conclusion that she was going in with Buffy too. It would be her way of making everything up to her friend. She had realised what Buffy had been too scared to admit to anyone but Dawn. There was a chance that Buffy would go in, see what Spike had been and not be able to look past it and bring him back out. Willow didn't have the close relationship with the vampire that Buffy had had. She would be able to hold perspective and whilst no doubt she would be horrified by what she might see, she didn't have an emotional attachment. Buffy needed her in there with her. She needed someone with her that would be able to be strong when she would fall. And Willow knew that Buffy would fall. She had been trying to hold everything together for so long that a fall was inevitable and she would be there to catch her.  
  
"Ah here we go, Icelus," Giles exclaimed looking up from his book. "Icelus is one of the Oneiroi, sons of Hypnos, the god of sleep. In Greek mythology, they represented different aspects of dreams. Morpheus appeared in dreams as a loved one, Phobetor as personified nightmares often appearing as an animal or monster, Phantasos appeared as an inanimate object and Icelus appeared in the form of a person. The Oneiroi are deities of certain types of dreams Buffy, so be very careful."  
  
"What sort of dreams?" she asked.  
  
"Uh, nightmares and uh, sexual dreams," Giles replied turning a faint shade of red. "And considering the err past you and Spike have, it could be, well interesting isn't quite the right word for it."  
  
Buffy blushed also. "I can deal," she said softly.   
  
"You won't have to alone," Xander said finally. "I'm going in with you."  
  
"Xander no," she gasped. "I can't take anyone in with me. Its already dangerous enough without having to keep an eye on you."  
  
"Who said I needed looking after?" he asked, starting to feel a bit annoyed. "Why am I always seen as Xander the helpless who needs Buffy always behind me to look out for me? I can take care of myself you know."  
  
"I'm sorry," Buffy said softly. "Its just, its going to be hard enough for me to get through whatever dreams and nightmares Spike is trapped in. I'm the slayer, I can deal with things like that. You wouldn't be able..."  
  
"What have I been doing for the past 5 years?" he shouted. "I have seen some pretty sick shit and never once has anything happened to me..."  
  
"Hyena possession," Willow cut in. "Inca mummy girl, praying mantis teacher, Cordelia...."  
  
"Thank you Willow," he snapped at the slender redhead before turning back to Buffy. "I just mean, I have always been beside you, helping you fight, and look, I'm still here, still breathing. Do you have to be dead again before anyone takes me seriously?"  
  
"I'm sorry," Buffy replied in a small voice. "I just don't want to risk losing you. Someone has to be here to look after Dawn if something happens to me. You and Willow are..."  
  
"Coming with you," Willow said, finishing off Buffy's sentence. "Hey! You didn't think you could leave me out of this did you? And my mind is made up so nothing you can say will be changing it."  
  
Buffy looked between her two friends. She knew from the looks on their faces that they were right. There was no way she was going into Spike's mind without them. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.   
  
~*~  
  
Buffy brushed the hair back from Spike's forehead. She was still shocked by the warmth of his skin, but she was getting used to it. He felt, alive, and she liked that. Maybe, somewhere deep down, she did have feelings for him that she just couldn't admit to herself or to anyone. He looked so peaceful despite the torment she knew he must be going through. She'd only ever seen him like that after they'd...   
  
Blushing, she turned around to see if the others were watching. Giles was busy with another one of his lectures. She could tell by the expressions on Willow and Xander's faces that it was nothing they hadn't heard before. Giles always stuck to his tried and true "be careful" speech. Although, she thought to herself, maybe this time, they had reason to be careful. Demons and vampires she could handle. This was something altogether different. This time she would be totally unprepared for what she would find in Spike's mind.   
  
"Anya should be here soon," she finally said as she walked over and joined then. "Are you absolutely sure you want to..."  
  
"You're not going in there alone," Xander said, interrupting her.  
  
"Darn tootin' you're not," Willow added.  
  
Buffy smiled. She could always count on her friends to support her, no matter what. She considered herself very lucky. They were why she'd lived longer than any other slayer, she told herself. She always had them to watch her back and to always be there to hold her when things got tough. She felt a moment of sadness when she thought about all the slayers who had come before her and had never had anyone to back them up like she had. Maybe if they had, things might have turned out differently for them, and for her.  
  
"Thanks guys," she said in a small voice. "I don't know what I would ever do without you."  
  
"You'll never have to find out," Xander said taking her in his arms and holding her close.   
  
Buffy swallowed down the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her. She had to hold things together and be brave. For them, for Spike and for herself.  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Xander looked over Buffy's shoulder and dropped his arms as he stepped back.   
  
Anya, and she wasn't alone. Beside her stood a very tall demon with jet black wings. Icelus.  
  
"Are you ready?" she asked, not meeting Xander's eyes so he couldn't see the hurt in them. She'd always suspected his feelings for Buffy had never died. Seeing her in his arms had hurt her deeply. Part of her wanted this to fail. The only thing holding it back completely was the knowledge that Buffy had never, and never would return his feelings.   
  
Buffy nodded. "Let's do it," she said.  
  
Icelus stepped forward. It almost hurt Buffy's neck looking up at him. His icy blue eyes burned into hers and his voice, when he spoke, was like a sensual wave.   
  
"You know the risks?" he asked.  
  
She nodded again, unable to speak.   
  
"Then we shall begin," he replied. They watched as he knelt beside Spike's bed. His hand rested on the vampire's chest as in a low voice, he began chanting. A soft purple glow slowly begun covering Spike's body. Startled, Buffy started to step forward, but Anya pulled her back.  
  
"Its all part of the ceremony," she said in a quiet voice.   
  
Buffy watched as the purple glow completed its mission and totally covered Spike from view.   
  
"Step forward slayer," Icelus commanded.  
  
Buffy felt almost powerless to resist his voice. It was like her feet had a mind of their own as she moved forward and found herself standing next to Icelus without consciously remembering the walk there.   
  
"Whoa, hold up buddy," Xander said stepping forward to join them. "She's not going in alone."  
  
"That's right," said Willow as she moved up to join Xander. "We're going too."  
  
Icelus chuckled. "So be it," he said. "Place your right hands on his chest."   
  
All three friends reached out and let their hands rest on Spike's chest. Icelus smiled briefly then began chanting again. The purple glow flared up and turned a deep red as it washed over them, then, they were gone.  
  
"It is done." 


End file.
